Today is the penultimate day. Tomorrow I return to work full-time after being off work since November when my sweet baby was born.
My mommy heart is broken.
I am a mixed bag of emotions today.
I keep catching myself tearing up, but I don’t want to cry. I want to go back to work, I do; but my baby, she’s so small. She needs her mom, right? I think so.
Man, my mom guilt is real!
However, I am doing my best to avoid the negative feelings keeping myself busy. I am finally unpacking all of our clothes and Christmas presents from our trip home for the Holidays. It’s a lot and it’s very distracting.
I sat little miss down to play on the floor while I worked in the girls’ room this morning. I was cleaning out clothes that are too small and replacing them with the wardrobes of clothes they received during Christmas.
Such spoiled girls they are! I love it!
I looked down at one point and little miss was lulling herself to sleep as we jammed out to the baby Mozart playlist I found on Spotify. I sat there for a minute contemplating letting her fall asleep there while I finish the wardrobe change or scooping her up and opt for a contact nap in the living room while watching some TV.
Of course, I chose the latter.
I only have one more day with her before I go back to work tomorrow.
My mommy heart is broken.
My husband will hopefully be beginning his 12-week fully paid parental leave from the army tomorrow. I say hopefully, but that’s a story for another time.
I know little miss is going to be in very capable hands, but she is MY baby. I want to be there to love her and take care of her as she grows.
What if she is crying that certain cry that means she is super tired and needs to be meticulously rocked and booty tapped all at the same time to go to sleep and my husband can’t figure it out?
What if she is hungry and her dad can’t get the milk thawed and warmed quick enough? She going to lose it. I can barely stand the thought of it. My poor baby.
My mommy heart is broken.
She is officially 8 weeks old as of yesterday. According to FMLA, I could technically have another four weeks with her.
So this is where the mom guilt is starting to settle in.
I could have FOUR more weeks with her. What is wrong with me, why would I go back to work early?
Well, the other par of me that isn’t a mom loves my job as a physical therapist; and as a lead PT at a small private practice having an employee gone for a long time takes a toll on the business. I am so torn. I love my job, but I love my baby. Such an impossible choice, but the choice has already been made. I return to work tomorrow.
My mommy heart is broken.
I feel like going back to work after this kiddo is so much harder than with my first, but with my first, I was so lucky. She was able to come to work with me. At the time, my husband was still finishing up AIT (Army job training) and I had not planned to return to work before moving to his first duty station. However, in typical Army fashion things did not go to plan, and I had the opportunity to go back to work, but I didn’t have anyone to watch my firstborn.
It’s funny though, my job at the time didn’t blink an eye at this. Instead, one of my administrators offered to watch her while I came back to work for about 30 hours a week. It was the perfect setup.
So here I am now. I am ecstatic that my husband has been able to experience all the things with me and our second baby. I do not need or want my job to do crazy things like watch my baby, but I am so sad to leave her to go back to work tomorrow.
Change is so hard.
Call me crazy, but I keep taking in her sweet baby aroma (AKA taking in big whiffs of her head), giving her all of the kisses I can, and telling her how much I love her. I keep telling her she is going to have so much fun with daddy, but I think at this point I am trying to convince myself of that more than her.
Ugh, my mommy heart is broken.