Postpartum emotions are a bitch.
After my first, I was extremely sad and happy at the same time. My husband was not there so every time I facetimed him in those early weeks I would cry because I was so sad he was not there, but I was so happy to have our sweet girl safe and healthy. She was such a happy and content baby.
I made it a point at that time to never cry in front of her minus when we facetimed her dad. After all, I didn’t want her to become sad because I was always sad. I don’t even know if that is possible, but it helped convince me to not allow myself to be buried in sadness and self-pity. So I cried almost every single time I got in the shower. It was the only time I was left alone. It’s also the perfect time to cry because you are less likely to be heard crying so no one will ask why you were sad. It was very helpful at the time. It allowed me to express my sadness, but not be consumed by it.
Once returning to work part-time, work did a lot to keep my mind busy, but I relied heavily on my best friend and one of my administrators to keep my sanity through the unknown and ever-changing military waiting for my husband to get hard orders so we could start to plan our reunion.
This was the worst part of waiting before getting to Colorado. My husband was nearing graduation from AIT but still had yet to receive hard orders. It was so nerve-wracking waiting. Until one day he received orders a week or two before graduation. I was so relieved and excited. We were finally going to be together again and soon.
However, when my husband was graduating from AIT, the military was still operating on covid rules and big on holding soldiers and classifying them as inactive until being moved or starting new schoolings such as AIT or basic training. So little did I know this was just the beginning of another waiting game before moving. Not to mention, the housing market was absolutely insane, and finding a house would be a whole other matter making us wait another 6 weeks before being reunited as a family.
It was a tough experience, but my postpartum emotions after my firstborn were definitely filled with mixed emotions. I was often sad due to our circumstances, but I was able to free myself of the burden of those feelings because I truly had no control over our situation. However, I feel like I handled those emotions better then than I am now with my second-born.
My second postpartum experience has been such a roller coaster of some really high highs and some lows, but the lows have not been as low as the highs have been so that’s a huge win. Initially, after having my second-born and coming home with her, I became resentful toward my husband and overwhelmed emotionally as he was able to leave freely to go to work, a work-related Christmas party, etc.
Then I started to come out of the pity party and enjoy my newborn for the last few weeks of my maternity leave. After returning to work there were a lot of reindeer games to help get me and my staff back on track since I had left before the end of the year.
It was a rewarding time at work as I felt like I was making some positive changes at work, but at home, it was still difficult learning how to navigate life with a two-year-old and a newborn while my husband was on leave. I became more and more frustrated with my husband while he was on leave because it felt as though he rarely lifted a finger to do any household chores while at home and I was the only one getting up with the baby throughout the night. So in essence I felt like I was the one saddled with extra work for a newborn while he got to enjoy time off while staying home with the baby during the day. The only thing that made it better was when he started to put in extra time to finish up his schoolwork. I felt like at least he was doing something that was beneficial for his career and therefore beneficial for us as a family. We started to get into a groove again with me working and him taking care of the baby.
However, that’s never how life works and we got thrown another curve ball with my best friend deciding to move out. A curve ball, yes; but a surprise, no. My best friend deciding to move out has been one of the hardest things I have had to deal with in a while.
Truthfully, I am excited for her and happy that she has found someone she feels comfortable enough to move in with after such a short time of dating; but on the flip side, I am so sad to see her go. We have lived together for almost 8 years.
I wish she wasn’t moving so far away. I want the best for her, but her moving so far away feels like a betrayal. Even though I know she’s not betraying me, it’s just the best word to describe the emotions I continually experience as time progresses and my best friend brings more and more bags to donate and packs up the rest of her stuff. I feel like my postpartum emotions are warping my brain to make her move feel like a betrayal, but at best it feels like a break-up and I am heartbroken. However, as heartbroken as I am at times, I feel like I am having more “being happy for her” days than the latter. So that is a plus.
Now, my husband is gone with the military for nearly two weeks so I am left here with my little girls and my best friend. It is a simple reminder of how alone I am here and that is an overwhelming feeling. So instead of being overwhelmed, I am doing what I did the last time my husband left and I am cleaning to avoid my feelings.
I am cleaning as much as possible. Although for the icing on the cake, I am currently home sick from work because as a grown adult, I somehow contracted strep throat. So I am cleaning, but it is getting done in between resting and getting the energy together to tackle another project. I am getting stuff together to donate and it feels good.
I am spring cleaning if you will, but in all reality, I am really just trying to distract myself enough to not feel sad that my husband is gone all the while preparing myself for when my two-year-old inevitably has an epic meltdown because her daddy is gone and he’s her whole world right now.
I am at a point where I feel that if I allow myself to be sad, I will slip into an infinite space of sadness and not come out of it after a good cry. I feel like I am on the edge of keeping or losing my sanity and I am not at a point right now to allow myself to slip into that infinite sadness. Maybe I am being dramatic, but this is what moms do, right? Compartmentalize again and again until you make it to the other side to safely express these feelings. I know compartmentalizing is not ideal, but I will do as I always do. I may bend under the pressure a bit, but I won’t break.
And just like that, writing it out in all of its honesty helps me to express and release some of these feelings.
For any mom needing additional help with their postpartum emotions please seek help.
Call 1-800-662-4357
SAMHSA’s (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.
This includes mommas that need support with their postpartum emotions.
